Heathrow – a vast, sprawling dystopia full of bizarre luxury excrescences designed to extract the most possible renminbi. Is expected to burst its banks and swallow Berkshire soon, adding Windsor Castle to the tourist funhouse.

Gatwick – Heathrow but smaller and slightly cleaner.

Luton – an indescribable hellhole, hands down the grimmest and most miserable London airport, a permanent building site infested with people whose job is to fine you £70 for not printing off a physical boarding pass. Doesn’t have a railhead and is not walking distance from one; instead a shuttle bus takes you to “Luton Airport Parkway”, which is itself one of the worst railway stations in Britain. The airblade antlers on the taps are pretty cool though.

Stansted – a perfectly adequate midsized airport which handles three times as many passengers as it was built for. Integrated railway station gives it the best ergonomics of a London airport.

City – only really big enough to fly Spitfires.

Southend – so old-fashioned it probably still flies Spitfires. Dismissed as “not really in London”, as if Stansted is any closer. Often eerily empty.

Biggin Hill – genuinely does still fly Spitfires. Our last, best hope should the mighty Luftwaffe return. Surprising fact: is actually still a functional aerodrome.

Croydon – no longer has a runway or flyable aircraft but is otherwise still the most enjoyable airport in London.