Inspired by, and to the tune of, the first half of Bo Burnham’s magnificent “Welcome to the Internet”,

and by my friend Laci’s absolute dismay at experiencing the London Underground for the first time, which he immediately dubbed “the mole kingdom”.

Welcome to the mole kingdom! Have a look around
This is how we get from place to place while under ground
We’ve got oodles of stations, some better, some worse
If none of them confuses you then you’d be the first

Welcome to the mole kingdom, try to grab a seat,
You’ll soon forget what daylight is, you’ll soon forget the streets
There’s no need to panic, please try to stay calm,
We don’t respect personal space but we mean no harm

Welcome to the mole kingdom, where would you like to be?
Stay near Bank or Leicester Square or past the wildlands of Zone 3?
There’s District, there’s Circle, Victoria too
But please don’t ride the Central if you don’t want to stew

Welcome to the mole kingdom, feel your snot turn black
This train is overheating but it’s too late to turn back
The air here’s half man-sweat, half weird-smelling dust
Just do as all the locals do and lie you’re not fussed

Welcome to the mole kingdom, here we go again
You’re getting tunnel vision, nothing’s real but tubes and trains
The people… aren’t happy, they don’t meet your gaze
You’ve been here twenty minutes but it feels like five days

“See it say it sorted” echoes round and round your brain
“Mind the gap” has lost all meaning, “please alight” just sounds insane
Pass a cordon get aboard and sleep and wake up down in Morden
Meet a helpful platform warden then ride north a little more then-
Get lost in the labyrinth
(How is Bank this WRONG)
We’re waiting at a signal but we
won’t
be
here
too
long