ebay blues

Hocking Bill’s piles of old Nintendo stuff on eBay. Virtually every sale I’ve had some cretinous twerp or other make an offer by message, as with the latest “would you accept £7 for this item?”

Let me explain eBay auctions to you, bro. This system automatically awards the item to the person who makes the highest bid. If £7 is a price you’re willing to pay, then bid £7.

If nobody else wants this item you may end up actually paying less than £7, and I will happily accept this!

If other people do want this item and bid above you, then no, I am not interested in your lower offer.

WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR YOU MOUTH-BREATHING CUNTS TO COMPREHEND?

The Elephant

The museum Mum volunteers for (M Shed, if you’re Bristolian enough to know about it) is working on an exhibit trying to give children a feel for what it would be like to be an evacuee – one of the components of this being real WW2-style toys. Mum, helping in one of her many capacities, has produced this little fellow – hand-knitted from a wartime pattern.

No, before you ask, he’s not for sale.

I have such a great mum.

“But it will remain unmoved. He is committed beyond recall.”

Back at uni, in the middle of each term we had a week off (in the middle of the first and second term, anyway; third term was entirely off.) They were called “Reading Weeks”, though nobody was quite sure why. For the students they were a nice half-term holiday, a break from our full, demanding timetable of sleeping, procrastinating over coursework and not doing dissertation work to go off skiing (or, say, invade Moscow). For the uni, they similarly provided much-needed respite from toiling away scheduling three whole contact hours per week and studiously avoiding putting anything useful on WebCT. Stories existed of students in other departments, people studying real subjects, who actually used Reading Week to read, but all the people I asked doing real subjects didn’t get reading weeks.

The GDL doesn’t have those. The GDL has “Assessment Weeks”, in which you read. And read and read and read. And, in the case of last week, write the EU essay, revise for and then sit the EU exam. The former was a bit of a disappointment, both to me and (I fear) the assessor; 1500 words isn’t an essay, it’s a footnote, and there’s no space to develop any real arguments or deviate enough from the script to show creativity – the only art to it is in working out which parts of the short, raggedy history of the EU to condense down and shoehorn in. But I wrote it, I’m proud enough of how it’s written and how many points it managed to touch upon, and ultimately it’s a piddlingly small part of the assessment.

Revising for the EU exam, a substantially less piddling 7%, was something else. I’m one of those appalling people who gets by without ever really revising for anything,* so structuring a way to remember about 150 important EU cases turned out to be a challenge – ultimately involving a lot of listening to lectures (which are wonderfully lucid – our EU/Con & Ad tutor-lecturer is fantastic), a spreadsheet compiled by an old L4NL bro studying in London, and a piece of flashcard software called Mnemosyne, and a lot of Skyping fellow GDL students.

[18:27:00] Lear: Would it count as cheating if we took a mars bar into the exam?
[18:27:10] Brosencrantz: is the mars bar 10% bigger?
[18:27:14] Lear: yes
[18:27:19] Brosencrantz: maybe
[18:27:22] Brosencrantz: I’m going to do that now
[18:27:30] Misha: i’ll bring Belgium margarine
[18:27:37] Misha: cube shaped
[18:27:58] Lear: I’ll bring some Cassis
[18:27:58] Roger: I’m going to bring chiquitas!!
[18:27:59] Budge: I’ll bring a French film on DVD, but only released 8 months ago ]:)

But all in all, it sunk in decently and I think the actual exam went pretty well. There were only a couple of questions where I felt my prep hadn’t served, as well as a couple of bits which I felt I just hadn’t prepped because we hadn’t really covered them, but took a swing anyway. EU law is wonderfully common-sense, and the generally good picture I got of the entire subject from a week of book-grinding gives me hope for Equity & Trusts, the one GDL component which I don’t feel I have any grasp on (though I share this with several classmates and, seemingly, the tutor.) We adjourned to the pub; I know I have far too little contact with the GDL crowd, but they’re still great fun, and I will miss them a lot when all this is over.

Right, week off is over, back to the grind…

* Until last year, where Louis and I basically taught ourselves the entire Peninsular War (writing some 40,000 words of thoroughly obscene notes in the process. I’m hoping to repeat this with E&T.

The Traction Codex

The short story is, a book(let)(thing) I wrote with the renowned and wonderful Philip Reeve is now for sale! For 85p! And I think it’s actually pretty good and worth reading, if you are even remotely interested in Mr Reeve’s excellent Mortal Engines series and its universe.

The long story is somewhat longer. Quite some time ago, Mr Reeve got me to help with a side project, a “Fan’s Guide to Mortal Engines” – the sort of thing I’d probably happily do for free, except he was offering fame and fortune (well, co-author credit and a one-off fee.) So I read through all the Mortal Engines and Fever Crumb books, noting down all the proper nouns and references to times and dates, and accumulated a great long list of potential entries and data-points on the WOME’s great sprawling timeline, and he visited me in Bristol and we bounced ideas off one another and hashed out ideas and concepts to reconcile the various wild, outlandish claims and references within the books into a coherent history.

Mr Reeve is one of those people I’m terribly proud to count as a friend* – not just because he’s a superb writer (and, you know, famous – not incredibly, but a hell of a lot of my friends have independently heard of him) but because he is an all-around top bloke; very well-read, really rather cultured (but because he genuinely likes watching and reading things, rather than for the sake of being “cultured”), a man of great integrity, and a highly independent and rational thinker. Also, despite claims of curmudgeonliness, a really nice chap and a proper gentleman. I wasn’t sure how working with him was going to turn out – it’s his world, and I didn’t want to step on his creative toes! – but it turned out to all be extremely chilled-out and great fun. It was almost all history geekery and world-building, which for me is honestly the best part of writing – world-building with rubbish puns and giant moving cities which eat each other. Getting paid to do that sort of thing was A Fanboy Dream Come True.

A sample quote:

Anti-Traction League

Though politically its roots can be traced to an alliance of upland nobles based around the static city of Tienjing, Shan Guonese legend holds that the League began in spirit when Lama Batmunkh laid the first stone in what was to become the Shield-Wall. While Tractionist historians sniffily point out that specific references to a “League” do not begin until many centuries later, and postmodernist historians contend that the concept of “walls” merely represents the pseudosemiotic discourse derived from the deconstruction of subcultural narratives, Batmunkh’s act was the beginning of a great wall-building tradition among the eastern kingdoms. The Mortar and Harmony Period, as it later came to be known, pooled the resources of the flatland kingdoms that had long sought to keep marauding nomads from their territory, and the monastic mountain orders who wished for better feng shui in the shape of the nations all about them; walls were laid out according to the Eight Trigrams and the principles of overlapping fields of fire. The walls at one point stretched from the Novosibirsk crater-clover to Kandahar, combining powerful symbolism with an obstacle that presented far more trouble than it was worth. While initially just a mutual defence-and-cosmic-harmony arrangement among a loose confederation of eastern states, with the rise of Traction Cities in the fifth and sixth centuries TE the League consolidated into a formal alliance, its member states contributing to a standing military. However, in its early days this military was rarely successful against Tractionism, and with ever-larger cities devouring its walls and flatland castles, the League gradually withdrew to the mountains and turned to rocketry and airships over bagua-based defences. While retaining its capital at Tienjing and spiritual home in Shan Guo, the League gradually came to represent anti-Tractionism everywhere, with the Spitzbergen Static, Tibesti and Zagwa variously counted among its member states or allies.
(See Lama Batmunkh; Shan Guo; Green Storm)

This was however a very long time ago, and sadly, after months and months and months of publisher stalling, the release they’ve finally put out is… a bit shambolic. They’ve misspelled Philip’s name as “Phillip” in the ebook metadata, the cover isn’t particularly appropriate (or good), Philip’s gorgeous high-res illustrations are reduced to postage-stamp size, the actual page-to-page formatting is a mess. Most galling of all, they’ve screwed me out of cover credit. Which is, I know, vain, as I contributed probably less than half of the words, and none of the illustrations, but still: I worked on this, this was my work, and they said they would.

Mr Reeve is wondering – no promises! – about making a proper dead-tree edition, an expanded de luxe version with everything fixed up and laid out properly and his illustrations restored to their proper glory, but that’s a way off if it ever happens. For now, of course, you can get it off Amazon; neither I nor Philip get any money if you do, but it’s not dear, and it is hopefully worth your time. (He does of course get money if you buy copies of the rebranded “Predator Cities” books, which come with the Codex free, and if you haven’t read ’em yet you should.)

So yeah, I am now officially a Published Author (sort of) (hah.) Cool.

* How we met is a story I’ve told far too many separate times, so I’ll write it up here for reference and just refer everyone here in future: he visited my old school in my gap year, and I of course came along to listen and get all my books signed. I stayed at the end to ask incoherent, breathless fanboyish variations of “so where do you get your ideas from”, and promised to write him a letter – which I did, but thanks to either Scholastic or Royal Mail it never got through. So I assumed that was that, until many months later he was first venturing onto The Internet, and our paths crossed, and I said “hello, do you remember me?” and he said “hello, yes!” and we wrote each other emails and it sort of snowballed from there.

the inevitable “brr” post

On Thursday morning, it was bitterly cold, and a very light dusting of snow came down from a sky the colour of a Windows 95 taskbar. Weather sites proclaimed terrifying omens, doom filled the air. None of the snow settled.

On Thursday evening, everything was dry. Train companies across the South West cancelled everything, including my planned trip to Portsmouth with Bill, Ben and other Ben-acolytes. An email came in from BPP saying that due to the disruption all tutorials on Friday were cancelled, a silver lining to the (still uniform steel) sky; I didn’t need to sweat my Con & Ad prep quite so hard (and while I was strongly looking forward to the Portsmouth trip, I could probably use the extra day and a half for applications and bro-unwind-time.)

[18:49:31] Light Brigade: bloody incapable country
[19:01:05] Brosencrantz: I know right
[19:01:17] Brosencrantz: tutorials are off tomorrow
[19:01:19] Brosencrantz: what the fuck
[19:01:20] Brosencrantz: it’s just snow
[19:01:22] Brosencrantz: IT HAPPENS EVERY YEAR
[19:01:27] Brosencrantz: HOW IS THIS A SURPRISE
[19:03:16] Brosencrantz: seriously this is a fucking shameful display
[19:03:21] Light Brigade: Jenna has a good theory about the trains
[19:03:34] Light Brigade: so Bristol to Salisbury uses a few DMUs
[19:03:45] Light Brigade: the EMUs into Waterloo suffer in icy conditions
[19:04:08] Light Brigade: she thinks they’re goin to steal the Bristol-Salisbury DMUs and use them to run services out of London which are more profitable
[19:04:26] Brosencrantz: that sounds plausible, not that I know shit about railways
[19:04:36] Light Brigade: never stopped me yet :D

On Thursday night I sent an email over to Japan, griping about how Britain seemed to go into a complete tizz every time this happened; after seeing how Tendo didn’t even NOTICE inches and inches, it was just plain embarrassing, and how really, after all this fuss we’d better get some serious goddamn snow.

On Friday morning, this was the view from my house.

I suppose that will suffice.

notes from a cold keyboard

Law4NonLaw, the national umbrella-corp version of the University of Birmingham Law for Non-Law Society (which I was on the committee on last year), has lots of useful things for the wannabe lawyer who a) doesn’t study law and b) whose local law society is a clique of hateful snobs that exclude them on the basis of a).  (Well, b) isn’t strictly necessary, but it was the original raison d’etre for L4NL.) Seriously, it’s a good site run by great people. But alongside these useful things, they’ve decided to pollute the site with abhorrent nonsense like a collection of my law-themed Facebook posts. Which you can find here: http://law4nonlaw.com/2012/12/10/the-facebook-statuses-of-a-gdl-student/

(If you’re finding this link through my facebook, you are now trapped in an autofellating ouroboros of self-reference, and can never escape.)

it may be too late to win, but it’s never too late to fight

Six months is a hell of a lacuna, so for the sake of posterity as much as anything else, the highlight reel:

I:

  • finished my degree at Birmingham and graduated, with the hoped-for First.
  • started dating a small and wonderful woman who subsequently flew to the far side of the world to get away from me start a job as a JET (I’m just that great) and whose blog you can find here.
  • left the warm, modern but thoroughly lonely Mason in Edgbaston to move back into the family home in Bristol, which is unnecessarily large, ancient and colder than a witch’s tit, but I’ll very happily take bed and board for free.
  • got within stabbing range of a training contract (final round interview), but fell at the last hurdle, so still have a future of doubt and confusion (but hey, I got that close, I can do it again).
  • regardless of the above, began studying the Graduate Diploma in Law at BPP Bristol,
  • which for the uninitiated is like having your spare time hacked off and ceremonially burned, and your brain chucked into a tumbledryer full of books.