Tag: postal surprises

the fly I had for breakfast wasn’t bad / so I had one more for dessert

On By brosencrantzIn things to appreciate1 Comment

Continuing the sequence of wonderful, principally frog-themed mystery gifts that I get in the post…

In the deranged, feverish haze of spring 2020, with the world turned upside down, I got a box in the post marked “Beatrix Potter Collection” and with no indication of the buyer. Inside was the greatest teapot-themed work of art ever devised by man.

I immediately tried it out as a teapot, but that didn’t work well (the handle is hollow and the porcelain very thin so it gets uncomfortably hot): this is a frog built for form rather than function. However, he’s an absolute delight to have in the kitchen, and each morning I am greeted by Jeremy Fisher stepping out happily into the new day.

The Tale of Mr. Jeremy Fisher is in the public domain and can be enjoyed here by anyone unfamiliar with it.

 

Unfortunately the anonymity of the gift was slightly compromised by it coming with customs fees, which the donor (when I asked the group chat if anyone knew why I’d got a demand for such) immediately stepped up and paid. However, that means I get to publicly say thank you to my friend Hoov, who specialises in puns so niche, contrived  and excruciating that the gang made him an entire twitter chronicling them as his birthday present, because the world is not a good or just place. https://twitter.com/epipuns

mystery gift frog 2023

On By brosencrantzIn things to appreciateLeave a comment

I get sufficient mystery gifts in the post that I think I need to create a new tag for them. Some are from known parties, some are anonymous but clearly well-targeted at me. (I really ought to post about the teapot, the paper art, and the really horrifying custom made frog pins. I already posted about the hat I forgot I was middlemanning, over a decade ago.) I’m increasingly of the view that a number of these are from my old pal Tom, especially the incredible netsuke and a terrifying Shell poster* from the 1930s which he addressed to “frogboy sadface” (to the absolute confusion of our postwoman.)

This one, however, I’m pretty sure is not his style – but is very nice. (The cats do not seem convinced.)

Who are you, mystery frog donor? What secrets do you keep? And what is the name of this wonderful chap?

*

These Men Use Shell | Schleger, Hans | V&A Explore The Collections

the frog with amber eyes

On By brosencrantzIn things to appreciate2 Comments

This week I received a parcel from Hermes. Unusually for them, it was undamaged and actually contained something.* Even more unusually, it was addressed to “frogboy sadface”. Inside were two things: a sheet of paper with a happy and sad face…

And this utterly wondrous little carved wooden netsuke of a frog wrestler.

It is lovely, and obviously not particularly cheap (a gander at ebay suggests even the most bottom-barrel netsuke start in the £20-30 range.) I hit up my main friends group chat to see if this was some sort of delayed Christmas present (that would be in keeping with Hermes.) Total denial! I asked two other group chats, I asked my family, I messaged a few individual friends. Everyone I have contacted in the centre of this Venn diagram has denied it.**

additional filters: can draw a circle OK but not perfectly; reads the Daily Mirror maybe?

It is not:

Who did this?

* For those unaware of them, Hermes are the Challenger Deep of shit quality in the already abyssopelagic UK parcel delivery landscape. At Christmas 2020 a Hermes courier handed me a ripped-open jiffy bag which emphatically did not contain some expensive books and hand-knitted gloves from my mum, and ran off. I don’t know who they treat worse, their customers or their staff.
** Except Tom, but I think he’s just being Tom.

shaggy hat story

On By brosencrantzIn Uncategorised9 Comments

Phone call to Ben, who constantly needles me re hats and TF2.
“Mr M! Are you responsible for the parcel that greeted me today?”
“Er… not that I know of!”
“It’s a hat.”
“No, that wasn’t me.”
“It’s a pretty good hat. Not cheap. I thought it might have been you, given endless TF2-related hat shenanigans.”
“Yeah. I rather wish it was me now. Damn, beaten to the hat-trolling.”

Phone call to my littlest brother.
“Bro, did you send me a hat?”
“Er. What?”
“A hat came in the post for me today. No return address, no inkling of who it’s from. It’s a really snazzy hat, but… I’m just confused.”
“Wasn’t me.”
“Damn. I ask because there was a small mistake on the address, which is the same as in an address I gave you before. Who’ve you been giving my address to?”
“Only Lene…”
“Doesn’t seem her style; she sends me My Little Pony instead.”
“Sorry bro, no idea. I can say it was me if you like?”
“Thanks for the offer, but no. Aight. Love to famille.”

Tweet Philip (who is the first man I think of when I think of classy hats.)
Me: Mr Reeve, were you the source of a rather nice (dapper!) present that arrived on my doorstep today?
Philip: I don’t think so… but maybe I should take the credit anyway. What was it?
Me: A hat. If it’s not you I am plumb out of ideas.
Philip: You have a mystery hat benefactor! That’s cool! Or possibly creepy. Oh, and ‘pics or it didn’t happen’ as you youngsters say.
Me: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/8641285/ihavenoidea.jpg It’s too small for my comically oversized bonce, so perhaps I shall exchange it for a larger one…
Me: ..when I work out WHY ON EARTH I HAVE BEEN SENT A HAT.

Text my cousin, who’s one of the few remaining people who know my uni address.
Me: Alright, I can’t think of why you would have, but did you send me a hat?
Joey: Er, no, i definitely didn’t. What sort of hat? Secret admirer maybe?
Me: Pork pie hat. Black wool. Well classy. Arrived anonymously. Deeply confused.
Joey: Wow, that is very strange. Sounds good tho. Hand written address?
Me: No, has been bought through some internet company.
Joey: Even weirder. Your bio bro? Mum? Does it fit?
Me: No no and not really :( my head is too big.

Hit my middle brother up on facebook chat.
Me: did you send me a hat?
Me: I can’t think of why you might have but I’ve kind of exhausted the reasonable possibilities at this point
Olly: Umm… When?
Olly: I don’t think I did…
Me: Today. Arrived on my doorstep. It’s a cool hat but I AM SO CONFUSED.
Olly: umm… sure it’s for you?
Olly: I’ve not sent you one
Me: it’s addressed to me
Olly: umm, interesting
Olly: :\ No idea!
Me: hum
Me: oh well
Me: cheers
Olly: I want a hat now
Me: MINE
Olly: what kind of hat?
Olly: Maybe you have a secret admirer?
Me: http://www.hatsandcaps.co.uk/Jaxon-Hats-Pork-Pie-Hat-P135065/ this kind of hat
Me: what kind of secret admirer sends you a fucking hat
Me: …and knows my address
Olly: that’s not a bad hat…
Olly: Maybe it’s a TF2 related joke?
Me: that’s what I thought, but I phoned up the chap I would expect that joke from and he denied all involvement
Olly: ah…
Olly: absolutely no idea then!
Me: that makes five of us
Me: so far

Me: bro
Me: forgive me if this is something of a left field question
James: …right
James: continue
Me: did you send me a hat?
James: did you receive an anonymous hat?
Me: yes
James: well, i hate to disappoint, but it wasn’t me
Me: well I’m just terminally confused now
James: …what kind of hat was it?
Me: http://www.hatsandcaps.co.uk/Jaxon-Hats-Pork-Pie-Hat-P135065/
James: that exact hat?
Me: da
James: maybe it’s someone who wishes to see your style evolve
James: equally, it could be an assassin’s calling card
James: don’t sleep
Me: ordinarily that wouldn’t be a problem, but I left my flask in kent at the weekend and have been criminally undercaffeinated since
Me: hum
James: you’re fucked m8
Me: it’s a hat not a goddamn letter bomb bro
James: it has a hidden camera
James: it’s covered with syphilis
James: there’s a needle inside with HIV blood
Me: there’s probably some perfectly innocuous reason for this, like someone asked me to post something to them, and I’ve forgotten about the whole affair with my sieve memory
Me: oh
Me: wait
Me: yeah
Me: that’s it
Me: well done me
Me: yeah it’s for a friend who can’t get things posted to their country
Me: I am middlemanning
Me: right
James: aah
Me: better take this to the post office