the fly I had for breakfast wasn’t bad / so I had one more for dessert

Continuing the sequence of wonderful, principally frog-themed mystery gifts that I get in the post

In the deranged, feverish haze of spring 2020, with the world turned upside down, I got a box in the post marked “Beatrix Potter Collection” and with no indication of the buyer. Inside was the greatest teapot-themed work of art ever devised by man.

I immediately tried it out as a teapot, but that didn’t work well (the handle is hollow and the porcelain very thin so it gets uncomfortably hot): this is a frog built for form rather than function. However, he’s an absolute delight to have in the kitchen, and each morning I am greeted by Jeremy Fisher stepping out happily into the new day.

The Tale of Mr. Jeremy Fisher is in the public domain and can be enjoyed here by anyone unfamiliar with it.

 

Unfortunately the anonymity of the gift was slightly compromised by it coming with customs fees, which the donor (when I asked the group chat if anyone knew why I’d got a demand for such) immediately stepped up and paid. However, that means I get to publicly say thank you to my friend Hoov, who specialises in puns so niche, contrived  and excruciating that the gang made him an entire twitter chronicling them as his birthday present, because the world is not a good or just place. https://twitter.com/epipuns

double plus good

 

Gdańsk is a Baltic city, built to look pretty under leaden skies and gentle drizzle, which was just as well under the circumstances. The old town has (as usual) been thoroughly rebuilt after being flattened in the war, but it has a very different character to Wroclaw. This was always a very different city, a Hanseatic trading port which looked to Dutch and Scandinavian influences instead of Mitteleuropan and Italianate; but more importantly, its somewhat idealised postwar rebuilding very deliberately stripped out all its German elements. Politics aside, the final effect is gorgeous and quite convincing (much more so than Warsaw’s old town); it really wasn’t easy to tell reconstruction from original, although one building conspicuously sported a date of 1953.

After a hearty, not to say stodgy, breakfast at another bar mleczny sort of place (served by Ukrainian ladies), we wandered down the Long Market, the city’s main street, to the city museum, housed in a totally rebuilt town hall. The museum has all sorts of interesting historic elements – a rebuilt audience hall is lined with accomplished 1990s copies of old portraits of kings of Poland. There are some truly spectacular old survivors, a late 17th century staircase and doorway and a magnificent complete guildhall room which was broken down and taken away ahead of the Russians’ vengeful advance in 1944. But in all too many places, “nothing of the old furnishings has survived to the present”. There is a pervasive mournfulness to all this stuff, a respect for these fixtures as symbols of resilience as much as works of art, and – like the housefronts – as icons of a pre-war (and illusively “pre-German”) conception of the city.

A brief history: Danzig/Gdańsk was founded as a trade port under the Polish Piasts around a thousand years ago, then violently taken over in the early 14th century by the Teutonic Knights (of which more next post). As a seaport, it was an important member of the Hanseatic League, that interestingly modern medieval trade combine which dominated the Baltic for centuries, and became a rich and sophisticated city (with a largely German-speaking population) acting as an entrepot for overseas trade into Poland up the Vistula river. Like most of the Hansa it declined in the 18th century, was taken over by Prussia amid the butchering of Poland and ended up in the German Empire. When the Polish state was resurrected after the First World War, and needed ports, the new League of Nations created the “Free City of Danzig” with the idea that it would be an independent city-state belonging to neither Germany or Poland. This was less intrinsically weird than it now sounds – places like Hamburg had been proudly independent city-states within living memory –but was a fudge that pleased nobody. The nationalism genie wouldn’t go back in the bottle, the vast majority of the city’s population identified strongly with Germany and against Poland (the Poles had to create a whole new port city, Gdynia, further up the coast as Danzig couldn’t be trusted), and fell in enthusiastically with Nazism (its own police joined the assault on the Westerplatte.) After the war, the surviving Germans were violently evicted and a largely new Polish population shipped in, themselves evicted from what’s now Belarus. The anti-communist Solidarity movement was born in Gdańsk’s shipyards and Solidarność iconography is all over the city today.

At the top of the town hall there is an entire gallery of Free City of Danzig memorabilia, filled with the paraphernalia of an artificial state which was almost universally despised for its two-decade existence. Walking through it, reading about its progressive healthcare system and currency pegged to the British pound, is a deeply peculiar experience. We shook this off and enjoyed a gallery of local art – the delightful steampunk confections of Jarosław Jaśnikowski re-imagining local landmarks, an engaging portrait of the progressive mayor Paweł Adamowicz, murdered in 2019. The weather had improved by the time we reached the top of the bell tower; we discussed whether its arrangement should be considered an instrument rather than just a set of bells, but dismissed the argument as carillon baggage.

We had coffee and cake off Mariacki Street (anti-gentrification graffiti read “Don’t cut down the old trees”), enjoying an unusually exuberant fountain and its bronze lions, and entered the Mariacki – the Church of St. Mary – itself. It’s an unusual building, its ceiling all at the same height (rather than with lower side roofs for aisles, transepts etc), and its boxiness manages to make it feel much more imposing than the (actually vastly larger) St Peter’s Basilica; the giant marching whitewashed columns quite dwarf the usual immensely impressive collection of organs/family monuments/astronomical clocks/war memorials/angelic choirs/bronze fonts with wall-eyed allegorical figures of virtues/alabaster reliefs of the land giving up its dead at the end of time. The overall effect is to leave you feeling very small before the majesty of God, or at least the majesty of 15th century bricklayers. Danzig had a relatively calm Reformation, not throwing the architecture out with the bathwater, so there are lots of lovely pre-Luther survivals.

We headed to the maritime museum to pad out our knowledge – and its collection all seemed very magnificent, but unfortunately, the time we had left before closing simply wasn’t enough, and I have a vague blur of model ships and in my mind and on my phone, and a lingering sense of resentment at the incredible Soviet passive-aggression of museum staff who visibly did no work all day hurrying us through so they could close up and knock off ten minutes early.

Finally, the Westerplatte. We ordered a cab and headed north through the immense dockyards and loading areas, a haze of black dust hovering over the coal terminal (I initially put the wrong directions – there are two Westerplattes and, confusingly, thanks to canal rebuilds the one we wanted is to the east of the river – but our nice young Uzbek Uber driver was very helpful). The Westerplatte is where the first shots of the Second World War were fired,* and its torn concrete fortifications and eloquent signage describe an overture of the ghastly, one-sided horror about to be replicated across all of Poland. A tiny Polish garrison, outnumbered twenty-to-one by a Nazi force including a battleship,** held out for a week.

As well as the smashed buildings there’s a weird, strikingly socialist-era granite memorial, muscly abstract soldiers and sailors.*** Unlike the vaguely awkward, helpless monument at Auschwitz, I felt it still has great power, but, like with Mother Motherland in Kyiv, poses complex symbolic questions about the triumphalist design language of one totalitarian oppressor celebrating victory over another. Just as the Ukrainians are reclaiming the Kyiv statue by replacing her Soviet symbol with the trident, the Poles have supplemented the memorial with an arc of Polish flags and a plaque with a 1987 quote from Jan Paweł: “Every one of you, young friends, finds in life some sort of your own Westerplatte. Some dimension of tasks, which one must undertake and fulfil. Some order of rights and values. Which one has to uphold and defend. Defend them – for yourself and for others.”
“That’s pretty hardcore for a modern Pope,” I observed. “He was Polish,” Gosia replied.

Past a bunch of tacky tat-stalls hocking plastic toy Kalashnikovs and hand-grenades to schoolchildren, we headed back into town, for an evening of burgers and cherry-related alcohol. The bus took a roundabout journey around the sprawling docks, filling up with tough looking blokes with short hair and puffer jackets who would all have fit perfectly into series 2 of The Wire, and wondered if any of the ships we passed were unloading British tanks for the next war.

 

Poland 2022

 The Lost WawelBarbican, Celestat, AuschwitzFrom Wieliczka to WrocławRacławice, Ostrow Tumski, Museums of WrocławKsiąż CastleGdańsk – Malbork

* Using the traditional Polish-British-French war timeline which starts in September 1939, rather than the Russian one which starts in June ’41 when the Nazis (who they’d been openly allied with and supplying for several years) turned on them, the American one which starts in December ’41 with Pearl Harbor, or the Chinese one which has several plausible start dates much earlier in the 1930s.
** To be clear, I’m not doing the journalist thing of calling anything grey and armed a battleship: an Actual Battleship, with old but enormous guns.
*** Really awkwardly, I can’t see the soldier and sailor in the upper section without it making a face resembling the bloke in that big stone Armenian sculpture.

mystery gift frog 2023

I get sufficient mystery gifts in the post that I think I need to create a new tag for them. Some are from known parties, some are anonymous but clearly well-targeted at me. (I really ought to post about the teapot, the paper art, and the really horrifying custom made frog pins. I already posted about the hat I forgot I was middlemanning, over a decade ago.) I’m increasingly of the view that a number of these are from my old pal Tom, especially the incredible netsuke and a terrifying Shell poster* from the 1930s which he addressed to “frogboy sadface” (to the absolute confusion of our postwoman.)

This one, however, I’m pretty sure is not his style – but is very nice. (The cats do not seem convinced.)

Who are you, mystery frog donor? What secrets do you keep? And what is the name of this wonderful chap?

*

These Men Use Shell | Schleger, Hans | V&A Explore The Collections

twenty thousand years of this, seven more to go

Inspired by, and to the tune of, the first half of Bo Burnham’s magnificent “Welcome to the Internet”,

and by my friend Laci’s absolute dismay at experiencing the London Underground for the first time, which he immediately dubbed “the mole kingdom”.

 

Welcome to the mole kingdom! Have a look around
This is how we get from place to place while under ground
We’ve got oodles of stations, some better, some worse
If none of them confuses you then you’d be the first

Welcome to the mole kingdom, try to grab a seat,
You’ll soon forget what daylight is, you’ll soon forget the streets
There’s no need to panic, please try to stay calm,
We don’t respect personal space but we mean no harm

Welcome to the mole kingdom, where would you like to be?
Stay near Bank or Leicester Square or past the wildlands of Zone 3?
There’s District, there’s Circle, Victoria too
But please don’t ride the Central if you don’t want to stew

Welcome to the mole kingdom, feel your snot turn black
This train is overheating but it’s too late to turn back
The air here’s half man-sweat, half weird-smelling dust
Just do as all the locals do and lie you’re not fussed

Welcome to the mole kingdom, here we go again
You’re getting tunnel vision, nothing’s real but tubes and trains
The people… aren’t happy, they don’t meet your gaze
You’ve been here twenty minutes but it feels like five days

“See it say it sorted” echoes round and round your brain
“Mind the gap” has lost all meaning, “please alight” just sounds insane
Pass a cordon get aboard and sleep and wake up down in Morden
Meet a helpful platform warden then ride north a little more then-
Get lost in the labyrinth
(How is Bank this WRONG)
We’re waiting at a signal but we
won’t
be
here
too
long

genuine bona fide electrified

As previously mentioned on this blog, one of the things I’ve most enjoyed about Being An Adult is getting works of art and craft custom made. My pal Max is pursuing all kinds of interesting creative avenues as a career change and, having really enjoyed his recent experiments in lettering, I asked if he could make me a monogram.* My initials happen to lend themselves to a design with perfect rotational symmetry, and of the designs he made, one immediately stood out as a winner.

I am not (yet) the sort of person who gets custom embroidery on their shirts, and have no idea what I’ll end up putting this on, but it’s a lovely thing to have. I’m really not sure how it could be improved – well, actually, there is one thing…

Max is open for commissions for all sorts of crafty and lettering related work (he is currently writing a bunch of T. S. Eliot for a laugh.) Do drop him a line if you’re in the market.

* It may technically be a cipher, but who’s counting?

and I am nothing of a builder

After a previous creative endeavour I’d been planning for this year (a webcomic!) fell through, I’ve picked up the ol’ 3d modelling again  – but this time, rather than Tinkercad it’s Blender, rather than Tudor castles it’s late 20th century London housing blocks, and rather than making them for 3d printing (although… I could…) it’s actual mods for Workers & Resources: Soviet Republic.*

Ethelred Estate in the late 1980s (Baltimore House, I think; you can get part of the same view today here.) I found the photo on the University of Edinburgh’s “Tower Block UK” project.

WRSR is set in the 1960s-70s and playing the game involves building many residential blocks (from Resources, to house your Workers). The Ethelred Estate in south London is from exactly the right period and felt like an ideal place to start with my project: it’s got an interesting variety of structures on the “brown residential ziggurat” theme, a striking palette of chocolate-brown bricks, white window frames and – a lovely unifying thing throughout the whole estate – the same royal-blue on all the doors, fences, bollards.**

The artist’s very first Blender creation.

TinkerCAD, my only previous modelling experience, is very simple and designed to be easy to pick up. Blender, by contrast, is a professional piece of software, monstrously capable and complicated, with a bewildering array of buttons and hotkeys. Happily, a youtuber going by OffTheRailsGaming has made a tutorial series designed specifically for WRSR modding, which was very helpful in getting started. The approach I’ve taken (similar, it seems, to the actual architects!) – is creating a variety of 2.5×2.5m segments which can then be assembled together.

A first set of untextured building blocks.

That, with placeholder textures based on photos I snapped, combined with the simple but desperately tiresome process of UV mapping to get me to this.

First attempt at Michelson House, with (UGLY) placeholder textures.

Having mostly modelled the building, it was time for MORE UV MAPPING with some better textures, based mostly on actual photographs of the estate I took. There’s a neat, albeit clunky, tool called Shoebox which is great for turning photograph elements into textures, and someone else on the WRSR modders’ Discord server had been going through the exact same journey as I had so I could copy their own experiences.

An early set of textures – I subsequently got a lot better at laying these out. The roofing texture and the window on the right are taken from existing WRSR files, the rest is based on photographs I took around the estate.

Then, actually getting it into the game! This is a whole, tedious step-by-step process of loading files in one format into specialised bits of software and extruding them as others. I benefited from another tutorial by Chris Brammer, a list of documentation by LovelyPL on the Steam workshop and a lot of fiddling around with scripting – the (very) basic programming to make sure the game has the information about which files your building is in, how much it should cost to build, where paths come from it, etc. The game will automatically generate costs, but you can set them manually; I changed mine to cost more bricks and concrete but less steel than average for a block of flats (partly because they’re low rises, partly to encourage people to use them – steel is a pricey resource and takes a lot of investment to make yourself.) At last, into the game!

MY GOSH THAT’S UGLY AND CLUNKY AND OVERLIT AND A WEIRD SCALE

This immediately showed a bunch of other problems. It turns out I needed to create things called mipmaps (which paint.net does very handily) to make the textures look less horrible when zoomed out, and to adjust the script files to make the building less overlit (I also changed the textures to darken the greys and whites.) Most complicated was scaling – I built these at actual size, but WRSR’s internal scaling is a bit odd and my blocks looked too small next to other buildings. I had a long discussion which involved horrifying several modders from ex-Soviet countries with how tiny UK housing stock actually is (the segments here are 2.5m square; in 1960s communist Poland the standard was 2.7m, later increased because that was “too claustrophobic”). I settled on resizing my creations to 110% so they didn’t look too outlandish.

All my segments (so far), in slightly updated textures. The black parts you see are alpha textures which will be transparent in game – these are for railings.

Finally, I had to upload it to the Steam workshop, so here it is! Almost 400 people have downloaded it at time of writing, which is lovely. To follow up, I’ve made a few more – some of the different Ethelred buildings (which turn out to be really quite varied when you look closely), a gym based on the nearby Vauxwall Climbing Centre, a car park and power substation. There are many more things I can and probably will end up doing when the game comes fully back online – a shopping centre based on the old one on Lambeth Walk,*** monuments based on the Ethelred TMO gates and the flowerbeds. It’s been a fun project both in terms of learning more skills and in encouraging me to really look closely at my neighbourhood. But now, alas, I keep seeing interesting 70s tower blocks in London and thinking “ooh, YOU’D do well in WRSR…”

* At the exact time I started to get into this, WRSR has suffered a horrible attack from a deranged former fan using frivolous lawsuits to… well, I don’t know exactly what he intends to achieve at this point except to hurt a small games studio. So the game’s Steam page and its site are currently down due to frivolous DMCA takedown requests. I have every confidence they’ll win in the end but I’m going to hold off adding new mods until it’s back up.

** Although from older photos it looks like this – much like Tower Bridge – was originally chocolate brown. Much like Tower Bridge, the blue is better.

*** The earlier Ethelred Estate included developments on both sides of Lambeth Walk, and a fully pedestrianised shopping precinct, like a sort of downmarket Brunswick Centre. Half of it has now been torn down and the road reopened – you can see the same view of the “then” here and the “now” here.

*

the ghost of the southwest corner


Książ is as quintessentially Mitteleuropan a castle as Dover or the White Tower are quintessentially English. There are structures underneath it all from the Iron Age, and a proper fighting castle was built and rebuilt in the early middle ages for the constant Bohemian-Silesian border wars, including one episode where it was overrun by the war-wagon-riding nonconformist Hussite insurgency. In the late fifteenth century it ended up in the hands of the Hochberg family, who hung on to it and steadily increased both their own wealth and grandeur and the castle’s, masterminding various extremely high budget expansions including an entire fake ruined castle on a nearby crag (oh, those Romantics). Despite shapeshifting from German to Polish nobility (most of their holdings being in the Polish state that was resurrected after the Great War), the family eventually imploded spectacularly between the World Wars. In the mid 1940s the castle, then in German Silesia, was identified as the keystone of a huge, pointless late-war Nazi building project (possibly as a personal HQ of Hitler himself, as they won’t stop telling you). Concentration camp slave labour was worked pointlessly to death in the final days of the second world war overengineering various tunnels to nowhere. Vandalised by Nazi architects and shelled by the Red Army, the castle has undergone a clumsy socialist-era reconstruction and an ongoing, more considered modern one, and it is now trying to style itself as a luxury hotel for a certain type of modern traveller. You could, in short, make any statement about it or set any sort of story in it and be comfortable that it would, in some way, be true.

Breakfast was at the bar mlecny “Mis”, which while closer to the Poznan experience wasn’t actually offensive. I had a cutlet with buckwheat and cabbage, followed by a lavender matcha latte from a hipstery place nearby which cost as much as the entire breakfast (still, for the record, not very much.) After a slight panic with ticket times we got onto the upper deck of a busy and somewhat smelly commuter train south. To the east, a lonely mountain broke the monotony of the landscape, and every town boasted a lovely old Victorian water-tower and, more often than not, a turntable engine-shed. An actual working rail-freight yard went by to one side. Arriving at Wałbrzych, we bought snacks (cactus juice!) and found a bus to the castle itself.

The customer service experience of getting in was what Gosia delicately called “classic Eastern Europe”. In the tunnels (deliciously cool after a warm bus journey and warmer walk), a well-made but slightly repetitive presentation hyped us up through lurid legends of golden trains and wonder-weapon labs, then supplied much more boring and historically rigorous explanations of what actually (probably) happened. The boring version is that in the exceptionally insane Gotterdammerung atmosphere of the late war people did all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons, most of the records have been destroyed and we don’t really know for certain what the tunnels were for, although as a junior officer noted they sucked up large quantities of steel and concrete that could have gone to more useful things.

Back above ground, the castle itself is just ridiculously big and mostly quite empty, populated with historical furniture but with most of the interiors refurnished fairly cheaply, consistently and incompletely. The pastel-painted rooms and endless parquet floor gave the odd impression of a communist school refurnished entirely from some rather good antique shops. I started off sneering at this, but after a while I warmed to it: just as the hacked-about wall décor and photographs of the once-magnificent Curved Room have a wan, badly-taxidermied-corpse feel to them, the obscene ostentation of the Maximilian Hall shines all the more by contrast with the haggard lemon-yellow main staircase and the obvious empty stair-rod holders its carpets were stolen from under.

The later Hochbergs’ closeness to the imperial family (the Hohenzollerns, not the Habsburgs) and ownership of lands which turned out to be full of coal mines brought them an astonishing wealth and apparently a Victorian town-building social conscience (claiming that a Hochberg inspired Bismarck’s social reforms is probably a bit much though); they indulged the usual hobbies of political intriguing, dressing up their servants in ridiculous uniforms, and the mass-murder of animals with modern express rifles. There’s a lot of stuff about “Princess Daisy”, a minor British noble who married into the Hochbergs in the 1890s. Despite the tourist-friendly Sissi-lite bootlicking towards her, Daisy comes through as quite a nasty figure, a parodically un-self-aware exemplar of chinless privilege and snobbery who spent her earlier years bullying interior decorators and sneering at gardeners, and her later ones periodically re-releasing increasingly gossipy autobiographies to a huge American readership. She gradually lost her money, friends and health, dying in 1943 against the background of a front moving westward again and the second war mopping up the few fragments of her Europe that had survived the first. There is a legend about a seven-metre string of pearls she owned, and a statue of her survives in a town her husband owned.

Easily the best part of the castle was the album of Louis Hardouin, a French chef who served the family through the early 20th century and moonlighted as a photographer: a mixture of posed and candid photographs of the three hundred staff employed night and day at the castle, dogs in hats, and the absolute splendour of the place in its heyday. We poked listlessly at a MAGIC ROCK which claims to bring luck and draw you back to Książ with your true love, and passed through the gift shop (standard issue mass-stamped-in-China “medieval aesthetic”, plus a fun coin-funnel soliciting donations to look after the castle’s many cats). We wandered out, circling the castle through the terraces of splendid, sun-soaked gardens (including a friendly cat that allowed us to pet it; instant return on investment) and had a drink and an enormous Polish dinner as a drone whined around overhead insufferably.

Twenty minutes’ walk away is the Palmarium: the Hochbergs’ wealth was such that Daisy essentially had her own Kew Gardens built for her, which nowadays has peacocks, lemurs and bonsai trees along with some very good succulents. A taxi back to the station later, the train was parping across the flat Silesian plain, for us to quest for a bottle shop, drink congenially on the balcony of our airbnb and invent stories about the strip club touts interrupting a nice Tuesday evening for the punters in the square down below.

Poland 2022
The Lost WawelBarbican, Celestat, AuschwitzFrom Wieliczka to WrocławRacławice, Ostrow Tumski, Museums of WrocławKsiąż Castle – Gdansk town hall, Westerplatte – Malbork